Trust me on this! Single moms do take ownership. I take full responsibilty for my choices. I, however, based my decision to keep the baby on four things. First, I thought the man loved me and more importantly, we were friends. So even if we were not going to be together as a couple then we would be able to coexist as parents. Second, his family came first. He is the go-to guy in his family. Third, I wasn't supposed to have children based on my medical condition so I accepted that miracle. Lastly, and the most important, I am mature enough and I am a provider. In the time that Amari's been born, I have a "what if" savings, increased my 401K holdings, I've bought a house, a car, and landed two new jobs. If I can end 2007 with no debt, then I my 2007 financial goals are almost complete.
One thing, I think men need to understand is that with every action or inaction there's a consequence. I'll say it again, with every action or inaction there's a consequence. Its a concept that they truly lack. That's why I call this mentality, "true ignorance". And its hard to put into words, but I feel that men can't/won't/haven't learned that they are responsible for everything they do. If you don't wear a condom, then the girl could get pregnant. If you cheat on your wife, she could find out! To the simplest, if you don't take out the garbage, you could get bugs.
If he really didn't want to have a baby with me, then he should have covered it up. He thought enough about it to think, "I didn't think you could pregnant."
Now, he needs to man up, financially ( so I can save for Amari's college) and emotionally (create a relationship with Amari).
I'm not trashing his name. Well that's not entirely true, but me calling him out is recent. My frustration with him is peaking and we have the same conversation over and over so I blog to release this anger.
However, his behavior is what it is. His name is not mentioned and only people who know the whole situation know who the true identity of Amari's father. If he changes his ways then the "trashing" will stop. To me, its an accurate portrayal of a father who's not ready to step up to his responsibilities.
1 comment:
Hmmm.
Both you and AH are correct in your statements. Yes, it is true that Mom's have to take some ownership of what's going on. As stated, in reality, it was known upfront what the end result would be. At times "us" say one thing, we physically show another, and that's the "proof in the pudding so-to-speak."
However, while mothers have to take ownership, so does the father. There's a sub-conscious agreement to having the child when one doesn't "cover up." No matter what. (Did I just say that?)
As stated in one of my earlier posts, the issue is that men (not married to the mother) have the ability of walking away. So the reality of the child doesn't sinks in for a LONG TIME.
Having a surrogate father or father figure for Amari is what should be done. With black boys its imperative to have positive male images around. Shoot it took YEARS to get to the point where Michael's mother FINALLY stopped using him as a pawn and allowed me to have custody. So at 15, he's living with his father and realizing "the grass ain't greener on the other side" and there are things young men are expected to do, know and think of.
Hmph. Wait until he becomes an adolescent and the girls come a sniffin'!!!
Anyway, the best advice anyone can give is to constantly affirm (verbally) and thanking God for allowing XXX to be the BEST father he can be. While it may sound ridiculous, keep saying it and overtime the Universe will put things in its proper place.
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