How does one navigate the relationship with your child's father? I've been understanding, nice, angry, flippant, unaffected and the list goes on.
He was supposed to come and visit today after he rescheduled from Sunday. No visit, no call, and no response to my outreach.
My philosophy is no matter what bullsh -- he puts a mom through a son needs his father and so I will continue this dance until my child tells me to stop and says Fuc- him. But, that could be ten years from now.
My first thought is to disrespect him in some way but what could be solved by that?
I'll just write in this blog until I calm down.....
7 comments:
From my sister in CT
She writes...
Your thoughts are real and it's real life but maybe
think of how you can have a positive male role model
in Amari's life from the universal extended family.
It does not have to be his biological father. Keep
writing and sharing. LMH
I have agreed with the thought that children need their father in their lives. But is that need really for them? or us?
If dad doesn't represent what we think a man should be, then should we want our sons to model his behavior?
Do you want to teach your son to disrespect and disappoint women? What about the lesson of being unreliable, undependable? How about being a man of your word?
Is navigation even neccessary? If a father is going to be a father navigation of the relationship should not have to be forced.
It is hard. I know. It may not get any easier. I don't think you can navigate. You have to figure out how to deal with the disappointment. Your son is young. He doesn't fully understand yet. It is you who has to figure out how to let go.
Its for them if we have truly let go. I have carefully divorced him from any area in my life that there's no reason for him to be there. Doing so, the only time I call is when I need something from him as it relates to Amari. Maybe he wants more interaction on a more friendly basis.
Why does a child need its father? That's the way life sets it up. But even more, its for the questions we can't answer. Its for the things that Mommy can't do! Its for the man things that I have no clue about. For little girls, they learn how a man should treat them.
Jill Scott said it best in her song "xxx". I can do all these things but I can't teach him to be a man. My father is here , thank GOD, so I do have a male role model and if you know my dad he's the best so I'm not too worried.
My friend asked me today, is it better to have no father than a bad one? The answer is yes. But, I don't want to make the decision to remove him. I really feel that's Amari's call. And I'm an optimist and I get what I want 85% of the time I feel that his attitude will pass. ( Once he gets help)
MBH,
Your pain is felt (and I've not even read the other entries). However, as a man, a father who has been "accused" of being on this side of the coin, I'll share this. In the end, it is better for Amari to NOT know his father. It is your responsibility to look out for your son's physical and emotional well being. If the father is at a point where he is not ready to take responsibility, then you have to do what's necessary to protect your son.
It will be year's before Amari is emotional mature enough to determine if he wishes to deal with his father or not, however, you know now. Its your responsibility to protect him.
I'll tell you what I've shared with Ronald's mother. "If ever I don't hold up to my end of the bargain, act as if I no longer exist and do what's necessary for him." In this case, you have to do what's necessary for your son. You can not worry about whether or not someone who's not ready to be there will be.
Your father is a wonderful role model; I'd recommend pouring the energy into making certain they can spend the necessary time together. As for the father, your daily prayer should be to thank God for blessing him for being the best father he can be; eventually, he will.
You all are in my prayers.
From the comment before....
I wanted her to know him but I wasn’t going to allow his drama to hurt her. There are so many issues that I had to deal with to make sure that I didn’t hold the things he did to me against him when and if they ever had a relationship. I promised myself that he would never tell her that I kept him from her so he has an open invitation to see her but he chooses not to come. I think it’s easy for him to stay away because he knows that I will give her the best I can and that in most instances that is better than he ever dreamt of. I have made it my life’s goal, to make sure she has the best and she is a kind-hearted, intelligent, well-rounded, and positive, young lady. I thank God everyday for my blessing because she has made me a better and stronger person. I don’t spend any time or energy on him because that energy is best used taking care of us spiritually, emotionally, and financially. I only address him, when she asks about him and I tell her the truth in terms she can understand. It breaks my heart that I can’t be that missing link for her but I can be the best mother and demonstrate the characteristics that I want her to have.
Being a single mom is no joke but I do enjoy not having to answer to him as it pertains to decisions about the way I’m raising her! Well girl, I just wanted to share. I don’t have many friends that are single moms so, it feels good to know I’m not alone.
I just read your blog messages and was really moved by them. I admire your ability to put your feelings into words and then share them. While I struggle with the same issues, I haven’t been able to describe my feelings very well and therefore have not shared with most of my friends what this experience is like for me.
Like you, I grew up with a fantastic father so, when I was presented with this “ghetto mindset” I was really floored. I never thought myself capable of getting pregnant by someone that wouldn’t take care of his child, let alone not even want to see her. This wasn’t the man I knew during the time we dated but as my pregnancy progressed, I found out a lot about who he was and had to learn to protect my child from him prior to her birth by protecting myself emotionally.
Continued in the next comment.....
From another good friend....
Anyhow, you’re blog is interesting to me, especially not ever having a father around my entire life. I never felt the need for one after a certain age. My Ole G held it down for the three of us and we didn’t have the role model like Amari has in your father. The way you and your sisters talk about your pops is how I want my kids, let alone daughters, talk about me. My point is- do what you do. My Ole G handled her Biz and we never missed our pops. She just recently gave me his address for the first time in 35 years to visit him and I felt that there was no need let alone any malice. It gives me a greater appreciation for what my mother did as a single mother, especially as I get older.
A young lady asked me “How do you plan on being a good father if you never had one”. My response was “ I know exactly what’s needed to be good father because I know what was missing”.
Post a Comment