Amaris Mom is Going Private

Well, its official. Amari's father is an asshole! Stop laughing!  I'm done with him but I will have fun next year playing the role baby's mama. Why not? I have tried to respect the fact that he is my son's father but since its obviously a role that he's doesn't want then I will no longer show him that respect.

I just want everyone to know that I will enjoy myself, I will not demean myself, will do nothing illegal, and hopefully get some retribution. First thing I've done is put our case through the system. After some advice from a friend of mine, who said to make sure that there is a record of Amari and Russell in the system as father and son just in case he starts making babies with another woman. Well, at least in Maryland there'll be a record! My fellow single moms, please get your child as much financial help as possible. Think about college, emergency funds, food, clothing, the purple Soy milk and how much each one of these costs and go get what you deserve.

Why I didn't do this earlier is because he asked me not too and a friend of mine, who's a lawyer, said that I could get more if we don't go through the court system said that keeping the county out of my business. But in 2008, its time to eliminate his concerns and focus on what's best for Amari and I. Its been three no four years for him to come to grip with his responsibilities and he hasn't so I guess its time for Uncle Sam to help!

I gotta go private with this journal because I believe in the element of surprise and just in case I start documenting the 2008 Baby Mama Drama I don't want everyone to know how low I can go!

Tags: child support, Maryland, Baby Mama Drama, Russell Clark

Amari's Father's Thoughts on Sean Taylor and the Endangered Black Man

I think it's key that you noted our culture, history and value system.  I
believe therein lies the problem...

I grew up with a sense of value and identity instilled in me by my family
that many blacks (in America) don't have. 

If you observe any culture, Asians, Africans, Hispanics, etc. you will see
how much family and cultural history plays a role in who they are.  Second
is economics.  I'm not saying economics alone (or lack thereof) is what
changes people for the worse.  I think it's poverty or low income
conditions, coupled with a poor family structure.

Now when I say family I'm speaking of the knowledge and pride of who you are
inside and the connection to your history.  This "feeling" is normally
delivered and nurtured by your family members, however it can be received
through education and knowledge.  Por ejemplo - Malcolm X received much of
his self identity through gained knowledge.

Let's look at some of the differences I see with Whites and Blacks in
America. 

1.  Whites can trace their history, giving them a sense of identity.
2.  Whites have the Pride of leaving the Kingdom to create a "new world" on
their own.
3.  Whites have direct benefits and positive byproducts from Slavery.

American Blacks obviously don't have any of that. 

Now, look at the Haitians, Jamaicans, Trinidadians, etc.  All of the west
Indian blacks are descended from African slaves, just like blacks in
America.  They've also been under harsh economic conditions, yet for the
most part, they have a sense of identity and family.

Those of us who have been fortunate enough to share in the HBCU experience
have seen how being together, sharing knowledge, fellowship and a sense of
Black pride helped to (re)define us.

Do we know what our culture is?  It used to be Sunday dinners, Soulfulness,
togetherness, black power, black beauty, kings & queens.  Is this still our
culture?  Maybe, but we're losing it for sure.

The 70, 60, 50 year old blacks had it, but it's fading for sure.  The family
has been reduced, spread out, lost focus, fell victim to chasing the
American dream (read chasing paper at any cost).

We're in a western(read capital) "white" world.  The images that define
American lifeand the experience we are TOLD that we NEED every day are of
money, sex and are mostly white.  We only saw black and Hispanic images when
our economic value was reported and Hispanics passed Blacks as the "largest
minority" (there's an oxymoronic statement). Of course those images are
warped as well.  

Therefore, I believe we Black Americans need to start (re)defining our
experience of life.

We need our values & structure
We need our togetherness with each other and all African immigrants
We need our love
We need our identity
We need our family.

In response to:

It happens to the black men that aren't famous.  It happens to the famous
black men. You can't move to the suburbs and you can't hide behind gated
communities.  Why is it that black men are rapidly becoming an endangered
species? What are your feelings and thoughts on the matter of black on black
violence and death in america?  Is there something that we can do as
individuals and as a community to stop this?  Yesterday, xxx and I had a
discussion about our misplaced values, and the effect of history & various
parts of our culture on us.  It's scary when you think about black leaders
then (malcolm & martin), and black leaders now(r. kelly, lil wayne). 

Tags: Sean Taylor, Family Values, African American, Black Men

My Birthday Week

Well, Amari is back after a week in Philly. And this was my birthday week so it was a great one. I hung out or with reconnected with so many friends this week I truly felt like I was in my pre Amari days when all I had to do was work and have fun. Yes, I was the grasshopper in the children's story. What am I going to do when LW moves back home?

This was also a big birthday, in the sense, that I have one year to prepare for the BIG birthday. It was the first year that I didn't willingly tell my age. Even I didn't expect that from me. I hope its because I'm in a new job and have officially become a COUGAR with these 27 year-olds circling around me. Its flattering but its causing me to question who I am anymore. Pre Amari there would have been no need for discussion, whatever happens happens. Now, I am thinking about consequences. This is so new for me.

And yesterday, an ex that I have managed to remain friends with has told me that he would like to see or he wants me to know that he wants to be with me. That's a bit mind-blowing. I knew 2008 was going to be a pivotal year for me, but it seems to be starting now. Exciting, huh?

And, I got this crazy email from Amari's dad, see another post. This made me ask him, why did he want me to be the recipient of this email. So far, no response.

Anyway between dinner with AB, the Sushi and Sake party on Friday, hanging with DA and his NAVY buddies, birthday calls from KR, EJ, and RJ,this birthday has been one of the most memorable ones. I can't wait till next year.

Tags: shout outs, Cougar, birthday, friends,

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving!

Amari and I had a nice one. We always travel to Philly and have dinner at my aunt's house. The crowd is usually smaller at Thanksgiving and then for Christmas it increases. Amari finally seems to remember everyone so no more excuses from me about his sometime self. One thing, I feel reasonably comfortable with is that he is not one of those kids who runs up to complete strangers, And heaven forbid someone try to pick him up. He will scream the moment someone does that!

Got a few texts from friends, so that was cool. But between washing clothes on Wednesday, packing, driving  and then working this morning, this is the first moment that I feel like I could relax. Its so nice to be home and relax a bit on the Mommy duties.

Things that I am thankful for are my family, friends , new job and of course my wonderful, funny, handsome, and healthy son! Having Amari really makes me smile and although I realized I still have work to do on my patience I feel like we are getting closer and closer.

Tags: Thanksgiving

Oh the Joy!

This weekend I saw the movie "Why Did I Get Married?" and thought it was good. A bit preachy, but good. The part that really effected me was  Jill Scott's part. Not the overly manaipulative part (mental abuse) but the part when she  spoke about waking up with joy. That is how I feel about A's father. He has stolen a bit of mine. And now I am going to get it back.

Unfortunately, it probably will require more anger and hostility, but if he doesn't want to be a father then I can't make him one. I will continue doing what I have to do and keeping him in the loop but I will no longer expect for him to step up, return my calls, or anything. It will be as he wanted, he's nothing more than another person in A's village and whatever he chooses to do will be blessed by GOD and welcomed by me. It is my hope that removing this negavtivity from my son's life and my own it will allow us to be happier people. A hasn't really bonded with his dad, although I'm sure that would happen if they spent more time together. So, at this young age he won't notice the lost.

Don't get me wrong, he only took a little piece from me, but as my friend GP said, "you've always been a bit self-centered." So I need to make sure all my joy is in me. ;-) I will raise Amari with the esteem and independence that is a hallmark of my family so when he reaches out to his father, as I am sure he will, it will be on his terms and when he's ready to face a man who wasn't ready to face him.

Tags: why did I get married?, Jill Scott,

Woo hoo, Amari Might Make 6'

I  just took a the height predictor test on Parent Center and Amari is predicted to reach 6' 1". Not that I'm worried about it. I was just curious!

Its just that the man, as many of you know, that I chose to have a child with isn't the tallest man on the basketball court. Which is another unbelievable part of this story. Some of my friends who heard and know who he is were more surprised by his height, 5' 10"! (:-)

Anyway, for you parents that want to check your child's height here's the link, http://parentcenter.babycenter.com/child-height-predictor

 

Tags: Height predictor, children

Happy Halloween!

Well, Amari and I had our first "trick or treat", costume wearing, walk the neighborhood Halloween. And I must say that I was really surprised at how much fun it was! Olney is really a nice town, I mean some of the houses went all out to celebrate. We had a real graveyard, adults were dressed up, the kids were so cute and I met a lot of my neighbors!

Now, I see why my old co-worker, MC, smiled when she was talking about her daughter dressing up. I have to say Amari looked so sweet as a d----! And when the neighbors were like, " Awww, he's so cute." I had another Mommy moment! He was adorable! Although a bit shy at first. But, once he understood saying "trick or treat" was a way to get candy he was cool.

I'm glad that my commute didn't stop me from missing it!

Now, we definitely need to go to the dentist!

Tags: Halloween, costumes, adorable kids, neighbors

Its Friday! I Think I Have a Routine That Works!

My last day of the first week has started.

This week, it rained so the traffic was as crazy as everyone said! But, I got my routine back today so my workday started @ 8:30 a.m.. I need to be on the road by 7:30 a.m. in order to have a commute with no traffic backups. How cool was it, that my boss saw me as I walked in b4 just about everyone! I know the people @ CNSI will not believe it!

Plus, this morning I was able to do 15 minutes of TaeBo! Go Billy! I feel like my stomach has decreased by an inch already!

Unfortunately, Amari is not handling the adjustment very well. Each morning, except for Monday, we have had tears, spankings, pleading, bribery and the list goes on in order to get him up, dressed, teeth brushed, hair brushed and his breakfast! Ay yay yay! I feel like a lieutenant in the Army. But, last night I realized that he needs to get up @ 6:45 am so we can be out the door by 7:20 am. I hope this will get easier as he gets used to it! But, I am sure we are looking forward to a lie-in tomorrow!

 

 

Tags: Commute. daily routine,

First Day at the New Job, The Night Before

This will be a series of entries of course.

First, my hair sucks! I went to the Hair Cuttery and she washed it, dried it and proceeded to curl it with something called "Curl Slick" or Curl Smooth" so now my hair feels wet! Great, wet dry hair! I've gotta start taking care of  my own hair.

And for my commutte that has quadrupled in length, my car is will not go into 4-wheel drive ( thanks, son) so every time I turn it stutters and makes a screaming noise. And forget speed. And forget my goals to pay off all these small but important debts! J my car guy says its going to cost me....$3565 to get it repaired.

Hopefully, my first day on the job outfit will take attention away from the hair.

 

Tags: Hair Cuttery, new job, car repairs, bad hair

Single moms do take ownership, reponse to AH

Trust me on this! Single moms do take ownership. I take full responsibilty for my choices. I, however, based my decision to keep the baby on four things. First, I thought the man loved me and more importantly, we were friends. So even if we were not going to be together as a couple then we would be able to coexist as parents.  Second, his family came first. He is the go-to guy in his family. Third, I wasn't supposed to have children based on my medical condition so I accepted that miracle. Lastly, and the most important, I am mature enough and I am a provider. In the time that Amari's been born, I have a "what if" savings, increased my 401K holdings, I've bought a house, a car, and landed two new jobs. If I can end 2007 with no debt, then I my 2007 financial goals are almost complete.

One thing, I think men need to understand is that with every action or inaction there's a consequence. I'll say it again, with every action or inaction there's a consequence. Its a concept that they truly lack. That's why I call this mentality, "true ignorance". And its hard to put into words, but I feel that men can't/won't/haven't learned that they are responsible for everything they do. If you don't wear a condom, then the girl could get pregnant. If you cheat on your wife, she could find out! To the simplest, if you don't take out the garbage, you could get bugs.

If he really didn't want to have a baby with me, then he should have covered it up. He thought enough about it to think, "I didn't think you could pregnant."

Now, he needs to man up, financially ( so I can save for Amari's college) and emotionally (create a relationship with Amari).

I'm not trashing his name. Well that's not entirely true, but me calling him out is recent. My frustration with him is peaking and we have the same conversation over and over so I blog to release this anger.

However, his behavior is what it is. His name is not mentioned and only people who know the whole situation know who the true identity of Amari's father. If he changes his ways then the "trashing" will stop. To me, its an accurate portrayal of a father who's not ready to step up to his responsibilities.

Tags: Single moms, responsibility, consequences

Cuteness, Sweetness

Amari woke up as I was posting entries, looked me dead in the eyes and with a lot of sincerity said, " I need you."  How sweet is that?

Tags: Sweet, children, touching moments

Give credit when credit is due, no matter how small

I have become very cynical! I can tell by the title of this entry! I would like to thank Amari's father for coming to help me today. I needed to get to work since I didn't anticipate Amari's illness and didn't bring the work home that I needed so that I can leave Friday with a clear conscious!

Anyway, after I guilt text him. The words deadbeat and a-- were used. He managed ( notice the cynicism) to come to my house and help me out!

I don't want to appear too grateful since proactiveness and active parenting  is what I'm striving for but  I should give credit where credit is due!

Oh yeah, he sent me some $$$ this week too!

 

Tags: Father stepped up today

Adding to my village 2

Well, this afternoon after talking to my friend, Uncle M----, he has volunteered to be father figure to Amari. I've seen him interact with Amari and this makes me happy! And before tongues start wagging, both he and his wife have been my friends for years! More importantly, I've seen how well they take care of their nephew and the values they try to instill in him. Education, being a man, and a decent human being!

So although, they have been part of Amari's life since he was born I am glad that UM has stepped up to make himself a role model for my son (Check the photo! JD don't get mad!)

First visitors for Amari after family!

 

Amari's Third Birthday!

Tags: Father figure, friendship

Adding to my village

This was one crazy week and I still have two more days to go!

First, Amari is sick. Cold, fevers, upchuck and this unbelievable cough! We've been to the doctors twice this week and I may have to go tomorrow since tonight he started complaining about an earache. To top this off, it is now being determined that OTC are not good for our children since there is a danger of overdose, heart murmurs, etc. So while I did break down and give him NightTime Pediacare it wasn't without trepidation. And last night, that didn't help!

Here are a couple of links to articles about OTC and recalled drugs:

FDA Targets Cough Medicine, http://www.consumeraffairs.com/news04/2007/08/cough_medicine.html

Drug Companies Recall Drugs, http://www.consumeraffairs.com/news04/2007/10/infant_cold.html

So for my last week at work its been real crazy. People are thinking I'm taking time off when I'm dealing with a sick child. Luckily, my boss has a child the same age as Amari so she's been real understanding. Especially since she went through this with her child last year!

 

Will my new boss be just as understanding???? I can only hope or else its a quick in and out there. But, even I don't expect too much until I've won him over with my work, my work ethic and of course, my charming personality. I give myself the normal 90 ninety days and I should be in like Flynn! This is what has led me to my new village!

 

By the glory of GOD, Amari got sick this week and not next! I am blessed again since he brought my neighbor to my door requesting a favor and we go to talking and they volunteered to help me with Amari. It was perfect. So next week, in place of running home, stressed out to get to the day care, I can work a full day and relax a bit driving from Vienna. She is going to take care of Amari from 5-7 in the evenings, give him some food, and watch him until I get home! Its perfect!My village has expanded at just the right time!

 

Tags: Recalled Drugs,

Tags: New Jobs, Stay at Home Moms

Maggie's Gone

Well, this is the third day of the first week without Maggie. As many of you know, I've decided that it was time for me to put Amari in full time day care. It was a financial decision mostly, I will save about $400 a month, but also because I wanted Amari to have more activities designed for his development. Day care type of stuff, drawing pictures, macaroni arts and crafts, and playing with his peers.

And potty training! Potty training is our next hurdle. But, thanks to Aunt T and her gummy bears suggestions he is finally willing to go potty. We're still not where he recognizes he has to go but we are going in the right direction.

Next, my goal is to put him in Montessori school since I'm convinced that education program is the best system. Its feels like its very student-centric with a focus on the individual opposed to the school systems grading system. Right now, I have a friend(another mom without a father in the home) who's son may be suffering from an impatient teacher who doesn't have time to teach because she has a curriculum she has to follow.

Anyway, other than today where he woke up crying and did not stop until he had his breakfast, we are doing fine. I think he was hungry. He's had his food prepared by loving hands for three years of his life ( Mercedes and Maggie) and now he's eating boring fish sticks and crackers on a more regimented routine.

I need about $20K more in my life so I can get a daily housekeeper and a cook for us. He'd still go to day care but not for a full day. I still don't think its right to keep a child in day care longer than I have to work but that's one of the issues in my situation. And since I never planned to be stay at home mom, he might still have to go to day care full time, if my husband and I were to work. We'll see how it goes in the next few years....

Well, at least I know my challenge for next week. Healthy, fun and tasty meals! Oh my!

Tags: Day care, education system, healthy meals, working moms

The worst flag football game I ever played

First, let me admit that I am the most out of shape I've ever been in my life and that had to contribute to my worst football day ever Normally for football season, I start working out at least 30 days before the season starts. The fall season caught me by surprise and I am nowhere near where I need to be or used to be.

I know what I need to do, exercise, cardio and more exercise. The 20 or so minutes that I do daily obviously hasn't helped.

But, this is another problem mothers, especially working mothers, have. The priority list! If we take time out of our day for a full exercise program, is that quality time away from the children, the house, the yard, work that we took home, etc.?

I would love to go to the gym after work and get in my 30-60 minutes of cardio but if I do that then I probably left work on time or I will be late getting home? Somehow, something will suffer.

However, since I used to consider my self one of the top 10 women (the older I get the more I drop but that's human nature, ask Jeremiah Trotter!) in the league, I am not about to get embarassed again for the season.

Exercise, of the cardio kind, is back on my top 10 list of priorities!!!!

So for the teams I played with last week, I am sorry for my contribution to the losses but I will get better.

Here's my league,  www.fabbsports.com

 

Tags: Mothers, exercise, priorities

Off to a Foster Child Meeting

When my friend, SY, looked at like I was crazy because I told him that I was going to a information session on foster children, I knew he thought it was a bad idea.

And maybe it is. One of my philosophies of life is that you can't let fear or the unknown stop you from trying.

However, I have found out that I am a good mother. I'm not the most patient and he and I have our moments but my son is happy. And if I continue to do my job, he will remain so! Why shouldn't I bring another side of life to a needy child's life.

Part of this is to teach Amari to care about someone other then himself which is exactly where he's headed in our one-on-one existence. Hence, I'd like to adopt a brother for him. ( my thoughts on more children and getting married is another topic for this blog)

And more importantly, when I have my friend JD's child those two play all day and only bother me when they are hungry. I think its easier to take care of two than it is one. Well, I'll get to check my theory with the foster child situation. I can always say no if I don't feel that it will work out.

I'll let everyone know how the meeting went.

For more information, http://www.montgomerycountymd.gov/hhstmpl.asp?url=/content/hhs/childwelfare/foster.asp
Tags: Foster child, only child, big responsibilty

A positive thing despite the EAGLES lost last night

Well, as the EAGLES lost last night to the Redskins I thought of another positive thing about raising Amari without a dad in the house. He will never be a Redskins, Dallas or Giant fan!

My loves are his loves so its EAGLES all the way. A true fan doesn't desert she just waits for the wins!!!

 

Tags: EAGLES

Follow up to frustration

I felt the love people! Thanks for the emails and calls!

I spoke to Amari's father last week and while the situation will remain the same. It appears and I'm hopeful that the blatant disrespect will not.

It was a 45 minute sprint to try and get all the issues on the table that caused him to do the old "I'm not gonna call" routine. That's what I found so crazy! By the time we are out of high school we know that we need to let a person know if we're going to be late/noshow whatever so I knew it had to be some underlying reason...

So key points from the talk

He still resents the fact and can not stand when I "tell" ( I think that's the remnants from our relationship)him to do anything for Amari especially since he never wanted a baby in the first place so a lot of our issues are coming from there.

He still can't get past that he "ruined" his own life. The word is a bit dramatic but you get the point. I told him that he's had a long time to move on. Perhaps he should seek therapy to help him accept the choices that he's made and the consequences of those actions. In other words, MAN UP!

The funny part of the conversartion was how he showed concern for the Amari's wellbeing. He said he wondered what will happen when I got married and he got married. I won't go into details but if the man is not concerned with Amari's wellbeing today why the hell is he wondering about the future. I think its another cop out or excuse to move away from fatherhood or he's self protecting himself agaonst any hurt he may feel if he gets close to Amari.

I have to stop threatening him with exposure because that really upsets him. So no more implied threats. if I really want to do something to hurt him I'll have to follow NIKE's advice and JUST DO IT!

Bottom line: No cut off! Proverbs 3:5

Re: Announcing AOL Journal: Amari's Mom

Damn Mi-, Dude always be messing up.  Don't sweat it. Amari will be fine. There are kids in worst shape then he and will also do fine.. The strong will survive and get stronger.. You need to move on and trust in a higher authority and and just let that hero be a zero and in time he will get his.  I really believe no good will come to a man who puts a young'n through this crap.  It's a whole generation of kids in the same boat but luckily Amari is surrounded with love and affection from the village. So don't let the sweat get in your eyes b/c the little man will notice it and perhaps not digest it so well.  Hang tuff sister.. I know it's easier said then done but if anyone can do it, you are the one.  Blessed you are so keep the positives flowing and all else is out of your hands anyway.. A loser is hard to deter but he will have to answer one day and I don't think it's going to be pretty. Respect, Love and Peace. 

 

Oh by the way Philly sucks this year maybe you should try the other end of the state, baby!!

Navigation

How does one navigate the relationship with your child's father? I've been understanding, nice, angry, flippant, unaffected and the list goes on.

He was supposed to come and visit today after he rescheduled from Sunday. No visit, no call, and no response to my outreach.

My philosophy is no matter what bullsh -- he puts a mom through a son needs his father and so I will continue this dance until my child tells me to stop and says Fuc- him. But, that could be ten years from now.

My first thought is to disrespect him in some way but what could be solved by that?

I'll just write in this blog until I calm down.....

Tags: Fathers, children